I was just about to fold the program in half and hand it to my son the origami expert when an unusual announcement at the bottom of the page caught my eye.
WANTED: New Friend
I am going through kind of a rough time and my current friends are just not working out. They insist on having lives of their own and trying to actually help me improve myself when all I want is someone to vent to. I am looking for someone who will fill my every need and boost my self esteem while distracting me from my problems.
- Preferably fatter, plainer, and less educated than I am.
- Must not bake bread, cook from scratch, sew, garden, or possess any other skill or talent that will make me feel inferior or self conscious in any way.
- Must not be judgmental of my choices, but always willing to engage in scintillating discussions about the rest of the ward.
- Willing to pester all your friends and family to attend my Pampered Chef, Discovery Toys, Avon, and Stampin' Up parties.
- Have the same background and life experiences as me so that you can empathize with my every trial.
- Be available to talk, shop, or watch my children at my convenience and at a moment's notice.
- Have minor weaknesses and problems of your own so that I don't feel like a loser, but not so much that it distracts from talking about my stuff.
- No problem solving experience required; excellent listening and validating skills preferred.
- Housekeeping standards just a little bit lower than mine a plus.