Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Finally, a phone number for Hell

My super-hot engineer husband and I just returned from a three day weekend getaway to Colorado to watch our team (GO COUGARS) take on Air Force last Saturday.

On the drive out, we saw this billboard in Grand Junction, Colorado.

I burst into loud laughter (guess where I'm going, folks?), and turned the car around to get a second look. While I was snapping a picture for my blog and fingering my cell phone, my husband dug out his scriptures to look up John 3:36. (guess where he's going, folks?)

I was intrigued by that phone number. Do you suppose that's like a reservation hotline? No longer do you need to ask a friend/enemy to save you a seat in Hell--now you can just call direct? Do you suppose Hell accepts Mastercard?

I can just see the ad now:

Adult Movie Rental: $10

Value of Stolen Office Supplies: $100

King Inferno Suite with Room Service: Priceless

My uber-righteous bishop husband guessed that it's probably the information line for a church ministry of some kind. To that I say, "BO-RING!"

What do you think?


  1. Since there is a CBS news sign underneath it, I wonder if it has anything to do with a news program (but maybe that's just there all of the time).

  2. Well, I'll save you the trouble, because I just called it, and apparently, Satan was taking a bathroom break, because no one answered.

  3. Well, that was fun. Satan called back, to the main work number. It's definitely an Evangelical line.

  4. Glad Kristina called... and now she should be very scared that Satan has her home number :)

  5. HEee hee haa ha hee You always capture the funniest photos! I wish I had seen that hotline. Now that I'm a blogger I'm going to keep my camera in the car when I visit the mainland. That drive between Provo and St. George can be entertaining.

    How hilarious. I'm so excited I can make early reservations and I don't even have to earn my way there.

    I doubt they take Mastercard, but I bet they take American Express. I'm taking the American Express straight to H. E. double hockey sticks.

    (I told you I don't curse!)

  6. The American Express to Hell? HAAHAHAHAHHA! Good one, Crash.

    And don't you know that it isn't cursing if you are simply referring to Hell as a Location? It's all about usage and intent, you know. ;-)

  7. Kristina, thanks for taking the plunge and calling Satan for me! At least you called him from work. But what does your boss think now? :snicker:

  8. Whoa-wait. You didn't call? I'm dying to know where the number leads. But I'm not as brave as Kristina so I can't actually call it.

    And also-props on going all the way to CO to support the Cougars!:) I planned to watch it on TV then remembered that we don't have the station that carries it. Stupid Mountain Conference.

  9. You DIDN'T CALL???
    I'm googling it right now.
    Oh, and I never watch the cleanflix versions of movies. Well, I do if I want my husband to watch it with me. Guess our husbands can party together in the afterlife.
    Oh, and there's no such thing as a double hockey stick. Way too hard to maneuver.

  10. Glad someone else did the calling- I was wondering how to get to that burning inferno!

  11. Hi, I'm visiting from Crash's and Swirl's sites. wow, you are even funnier than them. Don't tell them I said that or they won't lend me eggs anymore.

  12. Welcome Martha! I'll keep your secret. They might not only stop lending you eggs, they might start throwing them at you!

  13. HA!! Martha I caught you!
    yeah- that splattered egg on your window was from me!

    Just kidding.

    And to let you in on a secret Funny Farmer...

    Crash really isn't that funny in real life.. that is why we prefer to connect with her on her blog.

    She's kinda a hermit... you only get to hear her inner most thoughts on her real life it's like talking to a charlie brown teacher..."mua..mua.. mua.."

    boring.Maybe it's her big plastic head...

  14. I caught you TOO, Martha!

    And I caught you TOOOOOO Laura!

    How rude, talking about my plastic bobble head behind my back!

  15. P.S. You know those eggs I borrowed from Laura yesterday? Well they're gonna be on both their windows tonight!

    Hermit, my foot!

    (Hey, FF, I told you I wasn't that cool in real life. And ftr, they're not that cool either.)

  16. And btw, I really am a hermit. She was right about that.

  17. Is there going to be another post with more details of the trip. Not those details, the details of the game and anything worth seeing in CO?

  18. I have a couple pics in the stadium I guess I could throw up. I'm afraid I wasn't all camera happy for most of the trip... sorry!

  19. And I'm wondering... does the definition of a hermit allow for living in a townhouse? I've always pictured a quaint little cabin in the woods.

  20. NO, it doesn't. You are right on! You can't be a hermit in a townhouse, which is probably exactly why I am!

    In a townhouse people come up to your kitchen window as they walk by and talk to you, or your dining room window and peek in and talk to you as you're eating dinner.

    But it's true they all talk behind my back and laugh about me being a hermit or a ghost because I don't gather and gab in front of my house with all the ladies in the hood when they bring their 100,000 rugrats out to play in the streets. Or when all 10,000 of them meet for their walking/stroller club each morning. I don't have babies anymore so I go walking with my husband instead. I do everything with my husband, except play basketball. Martha does that.

    But I confess I am a homebody. I am an introvert too. Meaning, I can socialize, but I recharge when I'm alone reading or watching documentaries or doing puzzles, etc. . .

    But actually, the reason I came back over here because I felt bad about lying. Swirl and Marth are actually both very cool. I made that part up about how they're not that cool because I was trying to be spiteful.

  21. Huh. I thought you were being funny -- every one of you! Silly girls all.

    I'm an introverted homebody too. Just ask Pat. I'm fairly pathetic, actually.

  22. I don't think being an introverted homebody is pathetic. That's possibly because I am one myself:)
    And sometimes I would LOVE to be a hermit. The kind that does go away to the woods and lives in a cabin and reads nothing but good books all the time.

  23. HA! I had to check back and see if CRASH was spying!

    and I think most bloggers have to be home-bodies.. i mean.. we're home.. blogging... and trying to avoid real face-to-face contact with people.

    But back to you FF... I love your blog and the pictures.. and your humor.
    I wish you lived closer so we could start borrowing your eggs for a change.

  24. Hee hee. Swirl had to check back, not to see if I was spying, but because she was worried I might find out she was spilling the truth about me not being cool in real life. Hee hee. Guilty conscience.

    She actually isn't a homebody. She's very well balanced and can juggle 200 things at once, plus blog her brains out. I think it's because she's only 36. ;)

    But wouldn't it be cool if you did live in our townhouses and we could borrow eggs and lasagna from you too.

    And Barbaloot too. We should all be hermits together.

  25. All I'm saying...whether someone's a hermit or not or eggs being put on others peoples windows...which is total vandalism whether you are a hermit or

    I'm so glad I have the number to hell so that I can avoid it when it calls!

    Got that!

    Screening Hell's Number!

  26. Hi Funny Farmer,
    I am also visiting from Crash and Swirls sites and I admit I was curious about the number to HELL, too and being a curious soul that I am, I called that number too, yikes...Did you know that HELL won't take call from Hawaii? Or maybe it's my number...but I gotta say it's got to be Hawaii because Crash and Swirl live here in Hawaii and all that eggs, onions, and lasagna borrowing and egg splattering on windows had probably made Satan rethink about who he's letting into his door..LOL.
    Ops, I think I just saw a plastic head bobble up on ur window...need to scram before she throws her borrowed eggs on my window..oh wait, that's swirl thing.

  27. Hmm...I had always thought hermits generally had to be hermitic in solitude. But what they heck---let's all be blogging-town-house-abiding-hermits:)

  28. I called the number and now I'm saved (and it only cost me $14).


  29. "Is it Heaven or Hell?
    We're drifting in the wake of our dreams,
    And the world is a clown who cries,
    And no one can tell, is he real?"


  30. Shelle - good point about screening Satan's phone calls! too funny!

    Anjeny - Welcome to the Funny Farm! I guess that people in Hawaii, seeing as how you already live in paradise, are excluded from any consideration for Hell. Luckee!

    Barbaloot - good point about hermetic solitude. So are you saying if I want to have friends I can't be a hermit? Hm. Must rethink that.

    Annie - Fourteen dollars for salvation? That's a heckuvalot less than I'm paying in tithing now! Did you sell them a shirt while you were at it?

    Hiccups - beautiful poem. What does it mean? (I hate poetry - it's too subjective for this literalist.)

  31. That poetry is actually an Alphaville song called Heaven or Hell. It's something of a love gone wrong song.

    I think it's probably less effective for the evangelists that their billboard reminds me of an Alphaville song. Then again, I'm rarely affected by advertising in the intended manner. lol.

  32. Hi Funny Farmer. I just wanted to say . . .

    Anjeny is so dang funny, ain't she!

    But really I came over here to say that you are the best BBFF in the whole world!


    And have a nice day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  33. Crash, set down the can of Code Red Mountain Dew and step away slowly.

    But thanks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    And you have a nice day too!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  34. HAHAHAHA! That's hilarious! Wonder where I'm going . . .

  35. Hi Funny Farm, I am new to CTD's site, and was intrigued by this article. But I must admit, I get calls from Hell every day......I call them telemarketers! And BTW...I am going to Hell. I don't need to call the number to confirm my reservation. My potty mouth will get me there on its own merit. I even swore while preparing Thanksgiving dinner! I can't remember how many times I swore under my breath or in my head, hence Hell will be my primary residence. Well, at least I'll be warm! I just need to remember to take an abundant supply of hormones! I look forward to more of your fun posts!
    Note to self....I will take my camera on my drive from St George to SLC this week and look for fun billboards!!

  36. Farmer,

    I have been checking your site at least once a day, wondering when you would get back to work. Not having my own blog, I have plenty of time to read yours, now you just need to find plenty of things to write. I was suprised to find how much fun you have been having in the comment section.

    Really what I want to know is what did you think of Twilight?

  37. I just hope Heaven's Soulings and Loans never merges with Hell, Inc.