Friday, November 23, 2007

Thanksgiving Blues

We hosted Thanksgiving dinner this year. We trade off years celebrating the day with my family and three of Tom's siblings and their families.

I didn't give the holiday much thought; indeed, I kept forgetting that Thanksgiving was on Thursday of this week. I've noticed that I do this when I am feeling stressed about something--my mind just refuses to think about it until it absolutely has to. Late Wednesday night I remembered why--this is the first holiday since my mom passed away. It was last Thanksgiving when I first learned that mom was sick. I remember being very concerned, but hopeful that with good medical care she would get better. It never occurred to me that she might not see another Thanksgiving.

I feel that I should apologize to Tom's family; I wasn't a very festive hostess. The plentiful food was very good as usual, but nothing really hit the spot for me. I was happy to see everyone and their cute kids. I normally enjoy visiting and laughing and playing games. I just didn't have much laughter in me this year, and my pathetic acting skills weren't up to the task of hiding it. Forgive me, Amie and Jen, for being even more reclusive than usual. (I'd apologize to Jessica too... but she's used to me by now, I think.) I'm like a wounded animal sometimes; I just want to go hide somewhere and lick my wounds. I wasn't angry or grouchy or irritated, even when Hunter (Taylor?) found himself a bottle of bubbles and spilled it on the floor. I was just sad.

I'm sure next year will be better.

6 comments:

Christine said...

I'm sorry. Just think, you get to feel this way again in about 3 weeks. It hit me harder than I thought it would. So I feel that I'm at least warned for the Christmas force that is sure to come. Let's make a date to cry on each other's virtual shoulders.

Jennifer said...

No apology is necessary, I am really sorry that you are hurting. Thanks for making everything so great for us even when it probably wasn't what you wanted to do. It was all so yummy and we really had a great time. Any time with you is awesome since you are so cool :). I am really excited about the prospects of getting to see you much more frequently!! BTW, your turkey was awesome, brining is the only way to go imo.

Patricia said...

I'm sorry also. I always say denial is my favorite stage of grieving because the pain hasn't started yet. From what I have read there is no way around the pain only through it, but I hate that. Just try to be gentle to yourself and brace yourself for the next few weeeks. I will be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. Big hug.

Marjorie said...

I too want to say I am sorry for your grief. There is no way to avoid it. When we love so much, then we hurt so much too when it ends on this earth. The worst is the first year as you learn how to do all the special occasions without your loved one. But I have to say that you never get too old to stop needing your mother and even though it has been quite a few years for me, there are still some days that I just can hardly stand the idea that I can't call her on the phone and say, "Mom, I love you!" I have had some sweet experiences in the temple when I have felt her near and felt her encouragment. Perhaps that is the place you should go on an especially blue day.

I am sorry I missed your great turkey. Kris brined our turkey too. It was so moist and good. I agree that it is the best!

I love you. We pray for you everyday.

peacekeeper said...

no apology needed. i hope we are not overwhelming you and i am glad that you are able to get away when you need to. we all understand and just want you to know that we love you and are here for you whatever you need. :)

dukdub said...

Yea, it was pretty tough. I was at Brenda's and I kept bawling ever time I thought of her. I love you, Lisa.